i let myself go
Lucille sat on the linoleum floor of the bathroom huddled in the corner near the bath tub, arms wrapped around her knees in which were pressed tightly to her chest. No matter how many deep breaths she took, she couldn’t stop shaking. The room was still spinning around her, and her mind was in a haze. Her vision was blurred, but she knew that was only because of the tears that seemed to spring from her eyes. Through the bathroom door, she could hear the party going on outside of it. All those college students playing beer pong, dancing, drinking like there was no tomorrow, acting like complete idiots at a fraternity house. She should have known….she should have known that coming to the party would be a mistake. But Lucille had gone anyway, being taken by her friend whom wasn’t really a good friend apparently as she couldn’t find her anywhere. But then again, Lucille could barely walk right now to try and find her anyway. Lucille had told her friend to stay with her. “Please don’t leave me”, she had pleaded before coming to the party, and of course her friend had agreed to that. But once they had gotten to the party, Lucille was on her own with an alcoholic beverage she was stupid enough to leave unattended. After that, it was all a blur. She could remember a guy taking her by the hand and bringing her upstairs to one of the bedrooms. But despite her not wanting to go, her body had been so weak that she couldn’t pull away from him. She had protested, and he smooth talked his way into her confused thoughts. He had closed the door behind them and helped Lucille to the bed.
Lucille could hear the knocking on the door now, his voice telling her to come out of the bathroom. Lucille looked up as she so so hard on the bottom of her lip that it hurt. She had locked herself in with good reason. Lucille swallowed hard, as tears continued to fall down her warm cheeks leaving stains that she wasn’t sure would ever go away. She could remember his hands on her thighs. She could remember him taking off her panties beneath her long black frilly skirt. She could remember him on top of her, and her attempting to lift her hands to push him away, but she felt lifeless. Her limps had been so heavy, and that bed had felt so comfortable. She could remember him telling her to calm down and relax. She could remember him unzipping his jeans and whispering into her ear that everything was going to be okay. It was then that she had enough strength to push roll onto her side and fall off the bed. She couldn’t remember how she had made it to the door or into the bathroom, but she was safe now. Away from him. Away from the man that had almost raped her. The thought made her feel disgusting. How could she have ever been so damn stupid.
“Lucy, come on. You are holding up the bathroom. You have to come out of there sooner or later.” She could hear the man say past the threshold. Lucille unwrapped her arms from her knees and lifted her hands over her ears to hide the sound of his voice. She rocked back and forth, letting the tears fall. She felt like she was going to puke. Felt like she was the lowest of all low right now. She had been in the bathroom for what had seemed like forever. And the moment she could actually pick up her phone and dial a number, the first person she had called was Jamie. Their conversation was short. She was surprised he had even understood her over the constant sobs. She had told him that she had made a mistake, and she was at the frat house on Vivian Rd on campus. The one person that had come to mind was Jamie. Not her brother Max. If he had known what had happened, he would have scolded her. Told her that she had been stupid for putting herself into a position like that. Besides, it was more than embarrassing. She didn’t want to tell her brother she was almost raped. Didn’t want to tell him that she had snuck out of the house at 2am to go to a party she wasn’t even allowed to go to. Jamie was the one she called. She knew he would come and get her. Now it was just a waiting game. She prayed that Jamie would hurry. Despite the lock on the door, she didn’t feel safe. How could she? The man that had touched her was on the outside of that door.
She squirmed out of her position and lifted the seat of the toilet, sticking her face down into it as liquids spewed from her mouth. Thoughts of his hands running over her breasts. His hands slipping beneath her skirt to prepare her for what he was going to do to her. How could he think that was okay? How could anyone think that it was alright to force sex onto someone. Lucille pulled on the toilet paper roll, ripping a piece away to wipe her mouth and toss the piece of paper into the toilet. She flushed it and sat back in that same huddled position. She thought throwing up would make her feel better, but it didn’t. She was still dirty. She wanted to take a shower. Wanting to wash away what he had done to her.
“Lucille, open the door.” She looked up as the door knob rattled loudly. The man was getting aggravated. She could hear it in his voice which only made her more scared. With how large he was, a football player for the university is what he had told her he was, he could easily break down the door. But would he? He was drunk too. People do stupid things when they are drunk. Lucille was making excuses for him. Making herself try and feel better about what had happened, but that wasn’t going to cut it. She was sexually assaulted, and no one can ever forget that.